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should this be funny!!

 
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Anna



Joined: 17 Nov 2003
Posts: 222
Location: Leeds (UK)

 PostPosted: Tue Jul 26, 2005 7:41 am    Post subject: should this be funny!! Reply with quote Back to top

the plane is carrying a nuclear bomb along with an armenian, a turk, a russian and an italian. the pilot comes out and says that the plain is to heavy so the russian says i do this for my country and he jumps off the plane then the pilot comes out again and says the same thing so the italian says i do this for my country and he jumps off the plane, the pilot comes and says the same thing so the armenian says i do this for my country and pushes [...] the bomb off the plane

Wink Sorry Anna, I had to modify this... Star wars Spirit of Havanna
 
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VMG



Joined: 06 May 2005
Posts: 28

 PostPosted: Tue Aug 09, 2005 9:34 am    Post subject: Reply with quote Back to top

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:

29 accused of spousal abuse
7 arrested for fraud
19 accused of writing bad checks
117 directly/indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
3 done time for assault
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 arrested on drug-related charges
8 arrested for shoplifting
21 currently defendants in lawsuits
84 arrested for drunk driving in the last year

Can you guess which organization this is?

Give up yet?


It's the 535 members of the United States Congress.

The same group of Idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line (AND RECEIVE A IFETIME FULL PAY PENSION!).
 
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VMG



Joined: 06 May 2005
Posts: 28

 PostPosted: Tue Aug 09, 2005 9:37 am    Post subject: Reply with quote Back to top

GRANDMA'S BOYFRIEND. .

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his
toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,
"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started
adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and
there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

The minister fainted.
 
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VMG



Joined: 06 May 2005
Posts: 28

 PostPosted: Tue Aug 09, 2005 9:39 am    Post subject: Reply with quote Back to top

One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday.

On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are on the beach?"

Needless to say, no one could answer. The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?"

Again no one could answer. Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend. So Thursday night, Johnny takes two Ping-Pong balls and
Paints them black.

The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of
the day, just when the teacher says, "Here's this week's question."
Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the Ping-Pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing.

The teacher says, "Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?"

Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, "Bill Cosby. See you on Tuesday!"
 
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VMG



Joined: 06 May 2005
Posts: 28

 PostPosted: Thu Aug 11, 2005 8:43 am    Post subject: Reply with quote Back to top

Subject: Life's Splinters


1. Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss....the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, afte taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a
large trash can.

10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."

11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."

13. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

14. As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.
 
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VMG



Joined: 06 May 2005
Posts: 28

 PostPosted: Thu Sep 08, 2005 9:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote Back to top

Little Vito


On Math

A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence, and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on Little Vito.

He replies, "None. They will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking."

Then, Little Vito says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little Vito replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."

LITTLE VITO ON MATH

Little Vito returns from school, and he says he got an "F" in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks Little Vito’s father?

"The teacher asked me: 'How much is 2x3’? I said ‘6," replies
Little Vito.

"But that's right!" says Little Vito's Dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me: "how much is 3x2?'"

"What's the fucking difference?" asks Little Vito’s father...

"That's what I said!"

LITTLE VITO ON ENGLISH

Little Vito goes to school, and the teacher says,
"Today, we are going to learn multi-syllable words, Class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

Little Vito says, «Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Little Vito, that's a mouthful."

Little Vito says, "No, Miss Rogers. You're thinking of a blow-job."

LITTLE VITO ON GRAMMAR
Little Vito was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"

The teacher replied, "Now, VITO, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Little Vito, thinks for a bit, and then says, «You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"

LITTLE VITO ON MORE GRAMMAR

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice correctly.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress, and she looked beautiful in it"

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet, and it turned out beautiful."

She said, «Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on Little Vito. He said, "Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, "Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!"

LITTLE VITO ON GETTING OLDER

Little Vito was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said to him,

"Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little Vito replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little Vito answered, "No He minded his own fucking business...»
 
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