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Women - Men .:. Jokes

 
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Andy



Joined: 08 Mar 2004
Posts: 1371
Location: Zürich

 PostPosted: Tue Sep 28, 2004 11:19 pm    Post subject: Women - Men .:. Jokes Reply with quote Back to top

The 5 toughest questions women ask - and their answers:

The five questions are:

1 - "What are you thinking?"
2 - "Do you love me?"
3 - "Do I look fat?"
4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5 - "What would you do if I died?"

What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly.

For example:

1 - "What are you thinking?"
The proper answer to this question, of course, is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you."

Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
a - Baseball
b - Football
c - How fat you are.
d - How much prettier she is than you.
e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died.

According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking."

The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:


2 - "Do you love me?"
The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear".

Wrong answers include:
a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
c - That depends on what you mean by "love".
d - Does it matter?
e - I was thinking of how I would spend the insurance money if you died.


3 - "Do I look fat?"
The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room.

Wrong answers include:

a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
d - I've seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.


4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?"
The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were starring at so hard that you almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier."

Wrong answers include:
a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e - I sorry what did you say, I was thinking of how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

5 - "What would you do if I died?"
Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:

"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?"

"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife. "No, of couse not, dear" said the husband.

"Don't you like being married?" said the wife. "Of course I do, dear" he said.

"Then why wouldn't you remarry?" "Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry."

"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt. "Yes" said the husband.

"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said th
e wife after a long pause.

"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.

"I see," said the wife indignantly." And would you let her wear my
old clothes?"

"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.

"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"

"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."

"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."

"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed."
 
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Andy



Joined: 08 Mar 2004
Posts: 1371
Location: Zürich

 PostPosted: Tue Sep 28, 2004 11:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote Back to top

Why It's Great To Be A Woman!

Free drinks.
Free dinners.
Free movies (you get the point).
You know The Truth about whether size matters.
Speeding ticket? What's that?
New lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life.
You never had to walk down the hall with your binder strategically positioned in high school.
It's possible to live your whole life without ever taking a group shower (unless your military).
Brad Pitt.
You'll never have to decide where to hide your nose-hair clipper.
No one passes out when you take off your shoes.
You never have to reach down every so often to make sure your privates are still there.
If you're dumb, some people will find it cute.
You have the ability to dress yourself.
If you're wearing cologne, you don't have to pretend it's aftershave.
You'll never have to punch a hole through anything with your fist.
You can quickly end any fight by crying.
There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
You'll never regret piercing your ears.
You can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
You don't have hair on your back.
You know which glass was yours by the lipstick mark.

_______________
censored version


Last edited by Andy on Wed Sep 29, 2004 2:08 am; edited 1 time in total
 
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Andy



Joined: 08 Mar 2004
Posts: 1371
Location: Zürich

 PostPosted: Tue Sep 28, 2004 11:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote Back to top

How to Shower like a Woman --

1. Take off the fourteen layers of clothing you put on this morning because there was a distinct chill in the air due to the temperature dropping below 73 degrees. Carefully fold and place in clothes hamper.
2. Walk to bathroom. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh immediately.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.
4. Position the shower nozzle away from you and turn on water.
5. Get in the shower, once you have found it through all that steam.
6. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
7. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
8. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
9. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
10. Watch fallen hair accumulate on drain & fret.
11. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub until red.
12. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
13. Complain bitterly when you realize that your boyfriend/husband has once again been eating your Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
14. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).
15. Shave armpits and evaluate if there is time left for legs.
16. Slick hair back and pretend you're like Bo Derek in 10.
17. Use pumice stone to soften rough spots on feet.
18. Use massage mitt to reduce cellulite on thighs.
19. Use nail brush to clean toe nails.
20. Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband runs faucet and you get a rush of cold water.
21. Cover your entire body in baby oil.
22. Turn hot water on full and rinse off, making shower dangerously slippery for boyfriend/ husband.
23. Dry with a towel the size of a small African country.
24. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a spot, or new hair in an uncommon place.
25. Apply body lotion from the neck down.
26. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh immediately, and then rush to bedroom.




How To Shower Like a Man --


1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile on the floor.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing a towel. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs.
4. Turn on the water, get jet blast in ear.
5. Check for pecs again.
6. Get in the shower.
7. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).
8. Wash your face (not compulsory).
9. Whistle a few bars of the Irish Spring song.
10. Wash your armpits (not compulsory).
11. Wash your groin area.
12. Wash your behind, with your wife's/girlfriend's loofah.
13. Cough up anything that might be lodged in the back of your throat.
14. Shampoo your hair with the blue bar of deodorant soap (no need for conditioner).
15. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
16. Open the door and look at yourself in the mirror.
17. Sample your girlfriend's/wife's Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
18. Pee.
19. Blow your right nostril.
20. Blow your left nostril.
21. Rinse off and get out of the shower.
22. Return to the bedroom wearing a towel, if you pass your girlfriend wife, flash her.

_______________
censored version


Last edited by Andy on Wed Sep 29, 2004 2:11 am; edited 1 time in total
 
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Andy



Joined: 08 Mar 2004
Posts: 1371
Location: Zürich

 PostPosted: Tue Sep 28, 2004 11:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote Back to top

Bar Room Translations


1. "You get this one, next round is on me."
(We won't be here long enough to get another round.)

2. "I'll get this one, next one is on you."
(Happy hour is about to end...drafts are now a dollar, but by the next round they'll be $4.50 a pop.)

3. "Hey, where is that friend of yours?" (I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.)

4. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (female)
(I'm easy.)

6. "Ever try a body shot?" (male to female)
(I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.)

8. "I don't feel well, let's go home." (female)
(You are paying more attention to your friends than me.)

10. "Who's got the next round?"
(I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.)

11. "Excuse Me." (male to male)
(Get the hell out of the way.)

12. "Excuse Me." (male to female)
(I am going to grope you now.)

13. "Excuse Me." (female to male)
(Don't even think about groping me, just get the hell out of the way.)

14. "Excuse Me." (female to female)
(Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don't think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho... Get your eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you,...)

15. "What do you have on tap?"
(What's cheap?)

17. "Can I have a white Russian?" (female)
(I'm *really* easy.)

19. Can I just get a glass of water?" (female)
(I'm annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.)

20. I don't have my ID on me." (female)
(I'm 19.)

21. "I don't have my ID on me." (male)
(I don't have a license since I got pulled over and blew a 0.9 after my last visit here)

_______________
censored version


Last edited by Andy on Wed Sep 29, 2004 2:14 am; edited 1 time in total
 
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Andy



Joined: 08 Mar 2004
Posts: 1371
Location: Zürich

 PostPosted: Tue Sep 28, 2004 11:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote Back to top

MEN'S ADVICE FOR WOMEN


* Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.'
* Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials.
* Please don't drive when you're not driving.
* Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your little stories are related to one another: We're just nodding, waiting for the punchline.
* When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' will do.
* When I'm turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off-ramp, saying "This is our exit" is not strictly necessary.
* The temperature in the cave will be my responsibility. It will be slightly to moderately cooler than you want it.
* If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
* You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.
* Silence does not need to be filled.
* It's in neither your interest nor ours to take the Cosmo quiz together.
* No, you can't have the remote control.


Laughing Laughing Laughing
 
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iminhokis
Wizards


Joined: 25 Oct 2003
Posts: 3321

 PostPosted: Wed Sep 29, 2004 12:11 am    Post subject: Reply with quote Back to top

Mad
 
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Andy



Joined: 08 Mar 2004
Posts: 1371
Location: Zürich

 PostPosted: Wed Sep 29, 2004 12:19 am    Post subject: Reply with quote Back to top

uhm,... da scheint sich jemand über die Jokes nicht gänzlich zu freuen... naja, allen kann Mann's nie recht machen...
 
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Andy



Joined: 08 Mar 2004
Posts: 1371
Location: Zürich

 PostPosted: Wed Sep 29, 2004 1:17 am    Post subject: Reply with quote Back to top

ABOUT MEN:


Why don't men wear tight underwear?
It cuts off circulation to the brain!

* Why do men have broad shoulders and big foreheads?
When you ask them a question, they shrug their shoulders and say, "I don't know."
When you tell them the answer, they slap their foreheads and say, "Ohhhhhh."

* Why do men die before their wives?
They should.

* Where do you have to go to find a man who is truly into commitment?
A mental hospital.

* How are men and batteries different?
Batteries have a positive side.

* What is the difference between garbage and men?
Garbage gets thrown out and stays out!

* How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
No one knows, the ex-wife always gets the house.

* Why does a man have a clear conscience?
Because it's never used.

* What do UFO's and caring men have in common?
You keep hearing about them but never see any for yourself.

* How do you confuse a man?
You don't have to - they're born that way

* What are the three types of men?
The handsome, the caring and the majority

* What's the difference between a man and a chimpanzee?
One is hairy, smelly and is always scratching himself. The other is a chimpanzee.

* How can you tell if your husband's dead?
You get the remote.

* How do we know men invented maps?
Who else would make an inch into a mile?

* What's the hardest thing to teach a man?
How to operate a waste basket.

* How do you get a man on the roof?
Tell him the beers on the house.

* When does a man develop a brain?
The day he gets married.

* Why don't men die in their sleep?
'Cuz they can't do two things at the same time.

* What do you call a caring, considerate and gifted man?
A Myth.

* Why do women always wear black to bed?
To mourn the dead pricks beside them!!

* Woman: "I got a set of golf clubs for my husband"
Friend: "GREAT trade!"

* "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

* Why don't men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.

* How does a man show he's planning for the Future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

* What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. A dog is always happy to see you
B. A dog only takes a couple of months to train

* How is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.

* Why are men like chocolate candies?
They look good on the outside but once it gets inside you, it's either too small, gross, or stuck to the top.

* How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".

* What is the thinnest book in the world?
"What men know about women."

* How many men does it take to screw a light bulb?
A.One - men will screw anything.
B.One - men will screw up anything.
C.Five - one to actually do the screwing, four to listen to him brag about it

* What is a man's idea of doing housework?
Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.

* What is the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.

* What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six pack.

* How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes

* Why is it good that there are women astronauts?
So that when the crew gets lost in space, at least the women will ask for directions

* How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomach everytime they see a bikini.

* Why do men like blonde jokes so much?
Because they can understand them

* What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
A. No mind.
B. No business.

* Why
is a woman different from a PC?
A woman won't accept a 3 ½" floppy."

* What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

* Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.

* What do men and beer have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.

* How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
Who knows? Did it ever happen??
 
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Madeleine



Joined: 07 Jan 2005
Posts: 52

 PostPosted: Tue Jan 10, 2006 10:48 am    Post subject: Reply with quote Back to top

Habe einen lustigen Witz gefunden; Männer bitte nicht zu persönlich nehmen.

"Gentechniker übertragen Zellkerne von menschliche Föten auf Eizellen vom Schwein. Viele Frauen sagen: Moment mal! Kreuzung von Schwein und Mensch? Das habe ich geheiratet!"
 
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